When I was a child, I was painfully shy. I wouldn’t allow my picture to be taken for years (I’d cry or whine and run away). I dropped out of sports and music lessons because of the fear of performing - or even practicing - in front of other people. I barely dated until I was in college. Sometimes, in class, I’d raise my hand to say something, but if the professor didn’t call on me fast enough, I’d have to lower it, because by then I was shaking. Shaking and sweating and anxiety are big parts of my life. A lack of confidence has hindered me at every point in life.
I’m still very shy today, I just drink now. That’s not a joke. Growing up, I’ve also developed a ‘buck up, buck up!’ mantra, which sometimes helps. Although, I dated a guy in NY for months but would take a xanax before going to his apartment to help make conversation easier. It didn’t really work.
I’m outgoing enough with a lot of people, but it’s mostly because I’m smart enough to know that’s what I need to do. And shy people like me being self-conscious and self-deprecating, we also need people to laugh at, smile at and generally like us, so you do what you gotta do.
But, having entered my 30s, I’m just used to life a bit more, so I can handle it. Anyway, I’m always interested in reading about this stuff. I would never have written all of this years ago, so I’m getting better! And I’m always interested in people who become so successful in life based solely on their confidence, so I hope someday to be like those weirdos.
